Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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