I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
