You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
