my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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