What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
