Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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