shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
