I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
