4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
