So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
