Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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