Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
