i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
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