I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
