sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
