my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
soo... how was my night?
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