I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
