I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
That accounts for only three of the penises
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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