running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He passed out mid-signature
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
