just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
