i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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