Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
