Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
