Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
