my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
