on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's official drugs can't kill me
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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