who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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