im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
