Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
