We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
