End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
