I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
