Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
