Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
