I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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