Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
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Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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