Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
is wine microwaveable?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
