I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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