My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
