my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
