Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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