I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
