he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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