I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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