WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
