Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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