apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
