soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
