What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
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