dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
