I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
