I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
