Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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