i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
