I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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