We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
