i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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