Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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