You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
