Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
