I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just sucked dick on a ferry
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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