Please, let me fuck your mom
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
