my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
