ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
