2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
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I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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