nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
