the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
